


closure

by yongheescereal



Series: GONHUN TRILOGY [3]
Category: CIX (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Closure, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28914009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yongheescereal/pseuds/yongheescereal
Summary: Closure might be unnecessary for the other. But for Byounggon, he needed it. The sudden goodbye left him with so many questions that only Seunghun can answer.
Relationships: Kim Seunghun/Lee Byounggon | BX
Series: GONHUN TRILOGY [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084157
Kudos: 9





	closure

It's winter, but cold weather wasn't a hindrance for Byounggon and his bandmates to set the stage on fire. The setlist they prepared for the New Year's Eve celebration managed to melt and give warmth to most of the people who attended the said event. It was great, but maybe not so great for Byounggon.

As soon as they stepped out of the stage and went backstage, they had to change their clothes to thicker than the outfit they wore on stage. It was awfully cold but Byounggon doesn't seem to feel it. The adrenaline is still lingering, not because of the crowd but because he knows someone is waiting for him outside. 

**"Jinyoung-ah, you can go home without me. I have someone to talk to, I'll make sure to go home before the sun rises."** Byounggon tapped Jinyoung, their band's guitarist. The younger just nodded, which he is thankful for that Jinyoung didn't ask any questions even though it is evident to his face that he's worried. 

The crowded place was slowly disappearing as the audience was scattered finding their place to settle down and celebrate the first day of the year. Byounggon chanted something asking the deities to make it rain even though it is clearly impossible as per the fact that it's winter. Instead, he was welcomed by a familiar figure waiting for him outside. Now he knows why he desperately prayed to all deities to rain, _it is to conceal the piling tears that are starting to form in his eyes._

**"It's cold outside, you shouldn't have waited for me here,"** Byounggon said, rubbing his hand and gently cupped Seunghun's face to share his warmth. But his former lover only gave him a faint and apologetic smile. 

**"Can I talk to you?"** he asked in an almost inaudible voice. Byounggon nodded, retrieving his hands back to his pocket.

The two of them settled on a small bench near the Han river and far from the crowded place. The loud chatting and fireworks continuously flashing in the sky can still be heard but the silence between them is almost deafening. They are sitting at both ends of the bench with a large gap as if they're setting an invisible line not wanting to cross. 

Seunghun, who initiated the talk, broke the silence. **"How are you?"** he started.

The latter can't help but laugh bitterly, hiding the annoyance he's starting to feel. _'Who the fuck asks their ex-lover how are they after leaving without explanation?'_ he almost blurted out. **"Fine, I guess."**

The blonde-haired guy didn't buy his answer but remained silent. Of course, he's not fine, why does he even need to ask. 

**"I'm sorry."** Seunghun.

Byounggon almost went deaf after hearing those words. It wasn't the word he's expecting to hear. He didn't wait for years just to hear a mere sorry from the latter when he is expecting an explanation that's been bugging him all this time. _What happened? Why did he leave? Where did it go wrong? Why now. When did it happen?_ Any questions that start with W are replaying at the back of his head, causing him to shut his eyes momentarily to calm his fuming inner self. 

It took him minutes to calm down and finally ask the question after contemplating what to choose out of the hundreds of questions he's been dying to ask. **"What happened?"** a big lump he felt on his throat was finally lifted by an unknown force after asking.

Seunghun doesn't know how to respond, because for him, he didn't know what happened too. it just happened that one day he woke up feeling nothing towards the latter.

And if you'll ask him if it hurts? Yes. It was also painful for Seunghun to watch himself slowly slipping away from his lover's embrace. Forcing himself to feel something that faded long ago. God knows how Seunghun prayed every night to look for the answer, wishing to make him look bad like he fell in love with someone and cheat to make it easier to hate himself or for Byounggon to despise him. But that is not the case. The thing is, _he fell out of love._

But it wasn't Byounggon's fault. The sky, the stars, the moon, every celestial body above them witness the unconditional love that Byounggon gives to him. It was neither of them who were at fault. The only thing that was wrong is not talking about it like a couple should do, Seunghun chose to walk away carrying a big lump of guilt, and Byounggon not asking for the explanation he deserves.

Seunghun can just walk away and never bring himself in front of Byounggon if he didn't love him genuinely, but he did. Byounggon was his catharsis when the world was crumbling right in front of him. That is why he wanted to do what is right this time. He came to ask forgiveness and finally give Byounggon the closure he needed. 

**"Will you believe me if I said there is no apparent reason?"** Seunghun answered truthfully.

**"Well, at this point. I'll accept any of your answers and consider it an explanation. This is what I wanted and waited after all. I can be that picky."** Byounggon sighted. **"But can you be more reasonable and give me a clearer answer? I waited for years. I can't just accept it especially that that is not the answer I was expecting to hear."** he added. 

The whole conversation was subtle. They didn't look into each other's eyes, afraid to unveil the emotions they've been trying to hide or even made a contact ever since they sat on that bench. Countless long sighs and heavy breathing is their only way to show their nervousness and disappointment. 

" **Are you expecting an 'I fell in love with someone so I left you ' or 'I cheated on you.' kind of answer?"** The younger asked.

Byounggon undeniable nodded, **"Yeah, that will make it easier to move on and despise you, you know."** He answered bitterly.

But his former lover just shook his head in dismay, **"I'm sorry to disappoint you but no. I did not cheat. I did not find someone new. I - _I fell out of love."_** he answered in all honesty.

Byounggon's world that was already shattered is once again crumbling in front of his very own eyes. The reason why he agreed to talk is to ask Seunghun again to start all over with him, and that he's willing to forget everything that caused him pain.

_He wanted to save what's left._

_But how can he save something if there is nothing left?_

He wanted to get mad, he wanted to throw a hand and shout like a madman and blame it all on Seunghun. 

But he can't.

Falling out of love isn't a crime. On the contrary, it is actually like a pill for someone that is hard to swallow. It's a painful, cruel, and hideous kind of feeling. But that doesn't make you a bad person. 

You can't stay with someone and condemn both of you in a situation that will only cause misery. You can't stay with someone out of obligation and pretend in love when you are not anymore. That will only prolong the pain, you are just holding back that person from finding someone who will truly love them. So letting go is the only way.

Byounggon remained silent, registering all the words that came out in Seunghun's mouth in his head. 

Seunghun began to speak again, **"The day that I met you still remains as the happiest moment of my life. Although we both know that I wasn't okay during that time and felt like I was carrying the whole world, you helped and shared my misery. You became my escape, my catharsis. Just like what music means to me. Your love changed my life, Byounggon. You love me despite the pain I caused you, yet your heart still chooses to love me."**

Every word that is spilling in his mouth is like a dagger playfully darted in his heart like it is in a spinning wheel and Seunghun is just aimlessly shooting. The pain he felt is beyond words to describe. He struggled to find the right word to respond but his traitor tears started to fall out of his eyes, conceiving painful sobs making it hard for him to breathe. 

**"If I can only turn back time, I'd choose not to meet you. My life would definitely be different without you but that will make an assurance that I won't ever cause you pain. In that way, I can avoid all the cost of hurting you. You don't have to be like this, you don't have to feel the pain like this and you don't deserve to suffer like this. I'm so sorry."** The gaze that he's been avoiding finally landed on him. Full of sincerity, regret, and loneliness was piercing through his ex-lover's eyes. 

The questions that Byounggon has been dying to ask are finally answered. He gave him the most genuine smile he could pull off to finally send Seunghun away.

To finally end the misery they both got into it for years.

Seunghun reached out for a hug, a hug that once gave him warmth in a cold winter of December, warmth that he longed for so long, the warmth that he called home. **"Thank you."** he muttered after letting go. 

The tears that's been running through his cheeks dried out because of the cold and harsh wind. The rain he wished for to conceal his tears didn't come but deities still granted his wish, instead, they sent the cold harsh wind to wipe and dry his tears away on behalf of him. 

Seunghun left after putting an end to them, the latter just stayed as the dark sky started to vanish because of the sun's dominance. After crying his heart out, he strangely looked up in the sky painted in orange hues. Eyes closed, he felt something heavy lifted on his heart after carrying it for a long time.

Closure might be unnecessary for the other. But for Byounggon, he needed it. The sudden goodbye left him with so many questions that only Seunghun can answer. And after years of waiting, the questions that have been lingering are now answered. It may take some time to process and heal but at the last resort, Byounggon got the closure and explanation he deserved.

**"I can now move forward."** he mumbled, feeling his heart finally at ease. 

**Author's Note:**

> The GonHun trilogy is originally a fluff ff but I don't know what got into me that I shifted it into slight angst. I hope you enjoy it, please look forward to more ^^


End file.
